There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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