If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
