I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
