I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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