If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
