Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
