Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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