when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
