We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
sarcasm needs its own font
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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