Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
