Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
