i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
