Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
