so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
