she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
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Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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