I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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