Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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