Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
is it fun? or sober?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
