Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was born a porn star she said
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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