My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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