I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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