Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
