if i can run in heels then i can drive
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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