I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
