So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
