My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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