I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
