just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
third nipple confirmed
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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