He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
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He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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