My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
