how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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