I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize