im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize