Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
