woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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