the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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