You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
only if we run a train.
done.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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