new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
