you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
