i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
