i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
