I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
