I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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