Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
