the condom got lost in my hair
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
