we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
