Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
