I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
