I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
