He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
