listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
