That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
