who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
